just this - tuesday morning







I sat in the sun this morning, after dropping the kids at school, and rolled this yarn into a ball. I drank my tea (bancha), and listened to the birds calling and the bees buzzing. And I soaked up that warm morning late Winter sunshine.
And it felt good on my body and my soul.
{and Sam took some photos of me, to email for print. And I felt self conscious and a bit old and tired. And decided that I need to tone up, and freshen up, and see the beauty in me in again}.
What did you do today?
How do you see the beauty in yourself? Do you look or do you ignore?

A week




Last week was long and tiring and pushed me further than I wanted to be pushed in terms of energy and stress and health. Just a little too much. In reality I think I must be the one who does the pushing of myself. But my body pushed back and said 'no'. Hence I've been feeling tired and sick and grumpy and haven't been able to relax. Sam has been feeling much the same. We've both had anxious tight feelings around our chest - something that keeps holding onto us.

I did not have any quiet moments of just being and not having to rush off somewhere else or other. Always something happening. On Friday I drove into town three times (each trip to town is a 40minute round trip). And yet, I still didn't get the grocery shopping done, so had to go in on Saturday afternoon, after a morning at a kids birthday party (which was thankfully sitting in the sun talking).

Ah well. I think I just need to keep learning that I feel best, more motivated and uplifted when I have some moments of quiet.

I feel the need to write myself an important list of things I need:

To drink a cup of tea in peace and quiet, and if there's a spot of sunshine that always helps.
To do some making of some sort - stitching, sewing, crochet, screen printing, drawing, painting.....
To stop and look around quietly.
To breathe deeply and soak up the good air around me.
To keep the house tidy, and the kitchen table clear - less clutter makes us all happier and able to breathe easier.
To do baking, cooking.
To do some writing; a letter to a friend, in my journal, or my gratitude diary, or perhaps even here.
To spend time with my man just talking and being truly together.

What are you doing this week?
Are you feeling stressed or relaxed?
Did you bake or sew or draw or make?

have a lovely week, my friends xx

tuesdays moments










+ i'm listening to Tiny Ruins - beautiful voice, music and sounds (especially for the head space i'm in right now)

+ i'm enjoying another cup of gen mai tea
+ i'm at my dads house, in the cold afternoon air
+ i'm looking forward to going down the hill to my house and lighting the fire and curling in for the night
+ i've been doing a little rejigging on my blog - do you read this in some reader form, head on over and check out the new set-up + pretty header image
+ i'm enjoying the quiet, slow, soft moments of the past few days with my family away and just the cat and me at home
+ the weather is continuing to be gloriously beautiful with clear clear blue skies and cold nights
+ the moon is slowly moving back to full again
+ i've been doing some small starts of some solar dyeing - some pieces of fabric folded into jars with assortments of things

i'm exploring experimenting adventuring and enjoying in a quiet way. i'm feeling a creativity slowly start back again, and learning to fit that into the quiet slow (busy) of the rest of my life. to work within what i have. i'm being inspired and encouraged that i'm not the only one.
*photos are an assortment from the past few days - from the proper big camera and the phone camera (including instagram images)

more words?

I don't have more words today. 

There are more words from other days, other years, other memories, other..... lives. Some years I've written lots of words. That was good. At that moment. {this, this, this or this one if you feel like having a little sob about your own losses}.

But right now. On this overcast, rainy day (the sun is trying trying trying to peek out), with the birds around me as company. Not so many words. 

eight years. a long time. a blink of an eye.

I do think that being here, on this land. Her land. Is good. For me, right now. It's good. Of course, there's moments when really it's not good either. When the what ifs, the not fairs, the what abouts come bursting forth in my mind. Trying to make a different reality. Can't be done. This is the reality. 
Living here. On this land. Without her. With thoughts, and memories, and dreams, and wishes. But without her.





there is much loss in the world, today, as every day. there is grief, and heartwrenching pain, there is throbbing endurance, there is understanding and knowledge, there is mis-understanding. there are wishes, dreams, what ifs, perhapses. and there is knowing that this is just the way. on this day. this day of my days. 
i send my love to my dear ones, my family. my long big wide laughing crying crazy beautiful family. all of those of you who are my family. my close, my far, my near, my distant family. those i've had connections with.
i am thinking also of others who are feeling loss today. shared loss. personal loss. 

there are many of us who have a moment in our lives.life where something happens and we are forced onto that other existence. to become our parallel being. to not be ourselves anymore. to be the other person that we are. i am myself, but not myself.

in my mind and heart right now. dear friends who are facing.have faced moments of becoming a different person.woman.daughter.mother.father.son.lover.man my love to you today, for today, but also for the future, for the strength, the courage. i am naming you in my heart, my mind, my soul, my love.

"How can we compare sufferings?
Each person's suffering is the most important.
But what enables us to go on?
Only sound, which comes and goes
like water amongst the stones."
Goran Tunstrom 
(found in the book "The Mark of the Angel" by Nancy Huston)

happy sunday


Sam + I are off to our little piece of little house in the bush. To clean, and write lists, and determine what we need to do before we can all move in in a few short weeks. 
The kids are staying with Grandma + Aunty Sylv & Cousin Ashey. And will be good and have a lovely time. And we will have a quiet time without them. Listening to the birds. And to our own thoughts.


*These photos are from the Sydney Botanic Gardens, when Sylv + I went there, was it last year?

still life {moments}

I should be washing up the breakfast dishes. And then rushing to the studio to cut some more fabric to send to my machinist. (Cute little camisole-style tops in soft flowing hemp / organic cotton. I still have to find just the right buttons to make the finishing details right).

I just wanted to show you this collection of flowers. Still life. Mishi picks them on her way home from the school walk each morning. Plucking them from the tree, or plant (or directing Sam or me to do it for the hard to reach ones). This is her collection from this week. She adds to it each day, as she brings more home. 

The white bottle brush have just started flowering. And the red ones are near the ending of their flowering. Both from trees on the street - council planted trees. The yellows are sweet little dandelion weeds - so pretty and cheery. The little daisy is right from our front steps, a tiny little plant that sprouts up these happy little flowers, and Mishi loves to pick them. All in a little Turkish tea glass (we have lots of them, for our water drinking glasses), in our bathroom.

Little moments of still life. And pretty things to look at while I brush my teeth or put on my moisturiser. Moments to still my mind. To focus on something for one moment longer than the fleeting craziness that is happening at the moment. 

I hope you are having a lovely day and week. That you, too, are finding tiny moments of quiet and still in your life.

{now back to the craziness of organising two workshops this weekend, and then The Finders Keepers market next weekend. I do like to do everything at once, don't I?}.

at the moment



I should be doing things.
the things list includes (but is not at all limited to):
cleaning house
washing up
hanging clothes on the line (even though it will probably rain again later on)


getting the paperwork done
playing with my kids
putting clothes away
doing grocery shopping (when you run out of toilet paper, that's the final last excuse, for my family at least)
writing patterns
working on to-do lists for the BIDM in only a few short weeks
...............................(feel free to include any other regular things that would normally go on a daily list of a work-at-home mum).


{i'm sorry, i thought i had the link saved for this one - but don't.
if you know where it came from, please do let me know}

instead I am:
drinking my morning coffee (yes, late I know - I got up early and went to the gym, and then haven't been ready to make my coffee until now)
enjoying how the chitter chatter of my two little ones as they make their games and play around my feet
dreaming of things I could make (but know I never will)
researching for inspirational things that make me happy.
trying to work out how we can afford the land we visited yesterday (it has no house, just beautiful forest)

{these photos are taken from the real estate website.
it was rainy rainy rainy yesterday, so there were no views like this
- only mist and fog. but beautiful trees to look at}.

researching* things that my sister could make (cause you know, she has all the spare time in the world, but doesn't know how to blog-hop like me! sarcasm doesn't translate to words so well, does it....)
promising my kids that we'll make little cakes, after I finish my coffee
wishing I had a cleaner, or a maid, or better still a servant. Isn't that what the kids were meant for?!
wasting time writing silly lists, when I should be preparing lists as organised as this lady.


 organised - Edward and Lilly



*we all know what researching means - don't we.
** all photos used with thanks from original source. click on photo to be taken to site.
*** i just remembered - I found the cloud mobile on here, which links over to here.

the remains of the day


today is ari's birthday.
5.
big boy. my baby boy.
we were talking about the day he was born. how we almost didn't make it to the hospital (which was only 3 minutes down the road from our house), because i didn't recognise the 'pushing' sensation. we did get there, with 45minutes to spare, though fully dilated. just enough time for sam to park the car and get back to the birthing room!
for parents, you know that feeling as if you've known your children for your whole life, they are so ingrained your every day and essence. you can barely remember time before them. yet you can also not quite believe that they are now old enough to..... make jokes, back chat, get themselves dressed, feed themselves... any number of every day activities.
we had a party yesterday.
so lovely. family and friends in the backyard. a Japanese theme dress-up party - so fun to see everyone pull out their kimonos. and the 'party activity' was sushi rolling - seemed most kids quite enjoyed it, and also meant i wasn't in the kitchen for hours on end rolling sushi (was in the kitchen for hours on end doing other stuff!).
and today, a quiet day. with brother + nephew and my sister + nephew.
and this afternoon. the end of a long weekend. two sleeping kids (sam at work). a quiet house. with the breeze outside bringing snippets of kids playing and birds calling and cars driving.
and me tired too. but many things heavy in my mind, things needing to be done. work to be ready for next weekend.
yet one small quiet moment to stop and observe and remember.

just had to...

I just received an email from a family person, in response to an email I sent him.

I just had to pass on these words, which he wrote (you don't mind, do you Roo?). Check out this post for reference to what Roo is talking about. 

"Nice to see the photo of the little table loom. Your mother was a weaver, too, you know. She had a couple of looms like that and also an Inkle loom (I made it, I think) which is a frame with dowels sticking out that the wool goes round and round.

The building search is interesting. Love the Moreton Rubber Works. Nice photos.

Didn't realise skateboards were laminated in colours like that. Clever idea to make jewellery out of them - there is a use for skateboards after all!"

I have a little photo of my mother, at her potting wheel, when she was much much younger (before I was born). Given to me by Roo, after my mum died.


Every time I think of who I am; why I craft and make and do and draw and create and stitch and crochet and cook and dream and arrange and feed and think and feel and care. Every time I think of my mother. That's why I am. {Dad, I'm why I am because of you too}

hail in the dark


we've had a lovely day of sprinkles of rain.
threatens of thunderstorms.
double rainbows outside our windows.
replanting some of our pot plants (well, Sam + the kids did that, while I was inside researching and writing and planning a very exciting project that I'll reveal soon soon soon, lots more writing and researching to go).
enjoying a brief visit with friends.
and a very special farewell-just-about-to-hit-the-road visit from my dad + brother (who arrived home, yesterday, from 3 months walking the mountains in India), and my sister + nephew who were driving them back to their homes in the bush.
and the kids jumping the fence to play sandpits and kick the ball around with our new next door neighbour kids.
and having afternoon tea parties on our back deck
and lunch
and coffee
and chasing the hail that fell tonight.
directly as soon as the kids were out of the shower
so we had to let them watch the small blocks of ice fall
while still in their towels.
and Ari + me watching the last remains of the lightning from across the other side of the city, across the ocean.
and reading new stories, that Sam brought home the other day
about dinosaurs and bees.
and settling two little creatures into bed.
and a quiet house, with the quietish city noises.
and more writing and figures waiting for me at the dining room table.

I hope you had a lovely day.

*************
I also want to say a very big thank you to all of you who have given me such beautiful and warm comments and words over the past weeks. Moving house has been more intense than I imagined, and it's been wonderful to have you all so caring and thoughtful about us. I do so appreciate each and every comment and thought from you all.

Also, I'm planning a giveaway tomorrow (or Friday), so please come back to visit then.

today I am...









looking out at the rain
thinking about the washing on the line
listening to new music, linked from a newly found blog
writing patterns
tidying up my sewing corner
enjoying the thought of some sewing tonight, once the little ones go to bed
ordering more fabric
researching more fabric options
organising orders from the Craft Show
updating mailing list - thank you to all our new red seed studio friends
sitting at a tidy desk (thank you Sam)
thinking about what I'll make for dinner; again
enjoying these photos from my camera, that surely Ari took one random evening - see the rest here
drinking hot cocoa in my favourite mug

yesterday was....

the memory day for my family.
I've talked about this before
(here and here),
and now don't have many words that I want to say or express.
A softness and quietness;
not peace,
but
not anger.
An accepting, understanding.

Some tiny inner stillness
that I know she still exists in. But I feel
that I know she isn't in my daily life
the way she used to be.

I do see her in my daughter,
and in my siblings.
And stop and smile
when I look at photos
- above my sewing table, or in my bedroom.

And only a few weeks ago my aunt told me
that I looked so so much
like my mother.
A wonderful thing to hear,
to be told. A wonderful thing
to look in the mirror
and
look for her in my features.

So, on this anniversary
I cannot talk
about my feelings or thoughts
about
my
mother.
I cannot say words of deepness
to my family,
or express that
deepness
they may be needing to hear from me.

But when I sit,
I look up and see the smiling face
of my mother, and the way
she looks
at my father
in the photo
I love so much.
I delve
deeper
into my mind,
my head,
my soul.

And there, somewhere, is a sort of peace.

we saw the din-on-saurs

On Tuesday, the kids and I went to the museum and both the galleries (GOMA and QAG). We had a wonderful time looking at the water fountains, some that haven't been full and splashing for many years now (due to water restrictions). And seeing matchboxes turned into art, and talking about how art doesn't always have to be "art". How sometimes pieces of old tin, and typewriters and rolls of paper can be art as well as drawings and paintings.
We searched the room of artifacts, and found bird eggs and nests, and turtle shells and stuff animals. Ari said the room was scary, which I suppose it could be, if you think about all the snakes and spiders and furry animals - and sad too, to think that all these animals are dead. But also very amazing to have the opportunity to see them all, and touch some (and really, they'd probably be dead anyway, rotted into the bush somewhere!).
We looked at the dinosaur garden. I remember it from my youth - still the same, the "dinosaur fossil trees" a little bigger, but the massive dinosaur statues the same. For me, now, I do not see the magic of the the Do Not Climb signs, but the kids still see the magic and the fantasy. I and try and remember our visits to the museum and looking and searching and exploring and learning and loving.And then, instead of heading home, we moved on to the GOMA where we walked through furry trees. It was like a Winter wonderland. I took (sneaky) photos with my phone, Ari kept telling Mishi not to touch, and Mishi looked (and touched) in awe and amazement and the maze of fluffy trees. We explored Alien world, and - to tell you the truth - were a little disappointed (Ari and me) by the promise of special rooms to unlock with our Alien cards. Rooms which ended up being boxes with a silly tv screen and an even sillier message. It's good though, for a four-year old to learn about the disappointment of advertising. And good for me to see my son have expectations and not be happy with bland and boring.But the best part of the day, for me, was when Mishi finally fell asleep in her pram. Ari and I sat down at the riverside cafe, where we drank juice (and yes, some hot chips), and drew and chatted.
Finally I breathed easily in my whole body. I let the strain and tension slip away. We sat under the trees, listening to the birds and the water. And I chatted with my son. My son who is intelligent, and loving and kind and so so funny, and very talented at his drawing, and his writing. And understands so much. And each day amazes me all over again.
And watched my daughter sleep. My daughter who is silly, and growing, and funny, and dances so beautifully and loves her brother intensely, and talks more each day, and sings songs and counts, and talks about herself. And understands so much! And each day amazes me all over again.
And I sat and drew, unashamedly, not caring what my pictures looked like. And I tried to be amazed at myself all over again.
*** Excuse the quality of these photos, they are taken with my phone camera. Sometimes the feel and memory-inducing aspect of a photo is more important than the quality. ***

weekend







Not many words forming at the moment, for me - so just a selection of our weekend down at my Dad's house. Please look here for the whole flickr set. We had a lovely time - walking, and watching the rain, and being looked after by my Dad.
Ari got to sleep in granddad's bed, which was quite exciting for him. And wonderful for me to hear my son and my dad chatting in the morning time; well, mainly Ari chatting, and my Dad trying to get a few extra moments of sleep!
Beautiful time, too, with my brother and nephew.

I hope you enjoy the beautiful light in the photos. I really love them. This one and this one really speak to me. So many moments in my Dad's house seem to be held in time. A memory for me, when I visit. I know this isn't quite true - as my Dad is there everyday. But I suppose my Dad lives in a way that lets things be, just be, around him. And he doesn't feel the need to interfere with everything. Not to say that things aren't up-kept and appreciated, and important to him.
(Hmmmm. what am I saying now....? I think I know but...). Just enjoy the photos, please.

sometimes life looks better in b/w



We went out today for a couple of hours, and I came home feeling hot and tired, with a hot body and a heavy head. I felt like cutting all my hair off, it was weighing me down.
Sam let me sleep for a little while, until the afternoon sun came into the room, waking me up. He took the kids for a walk, a little later on, and I looked at these beautiful photos. They surely helped to cool me down a little bit.

Then I put my own camera onto the black & white setting. Looking at our house without the colour changes the way you see things. The background noise (mess) wasn't so obvious. The dominos left over from the games played wasn't annoying, the bowl and fork from a late snack of pasta looked more interesting in b/w than in real daylight heat and colour.
I'm sure I'll switch back to the colour mode of the camera tomorrow (we are going to my dad's for the weekend, a bit of a relax and some walking in the forest, and photo taking. Refresh and inspiration), but for now I'm enjoying what the arty, grainy b&w is making me feel.
See the rest here, including some beautiful images of my two little precious ones.

the bowl of your hands

my brother left a comment on my blog, last week, which lead to a little email conversation.

these two little simple yet perfect images from him - no photos, only words. but for all of us word-smiths, that should be enough shouldn't it?

last week while he was driving home he saw a baby echidna. So small it could fit into the cup of his hands. imagine, please, this teeny tiny little precious creature. so fragile, delicate, soft and small - yet hard quills, for protection (though being a baby they were possibly still a bit soft).

this weekend it was a tiny golden crowned snake, that, also, could have fit into the bowl of his hands.

***************************

This blog has brought me so many things. So many unexpected, yet wonderful friendships. And, in that same way, it has changed a friendship with my brother - who reads my blog (which I love). It's opened a communication of sorts. Emailing seems easier to write and say things, than talking in person or on the phone.

****************************

Okay - this is the de-lurking post! I would love to find out about you, why you visit here, what you like (or don't like) about this little spot of mine. I'd love to hear from family, friends, near and far, those I've met and those I haven't. So, please leave a comment. And, yes - I have a little something that I'm making (almost finished, I promise) as a little thank you and a giveaway for you being my special guests here. So, come on - all our lurkers out there. Say hello!

**********************
Edited 28/10/08. Photo of golden crowned snake, taken by my brother, here.
Have a look at some of his other small things photos - the tiny aspects you don't notice so often, when walking in the bush.

remains of the day


We had quite a lovely day today. A lot of spur of the moment doings.
:: a nice little stop at a cafe, after dropping Sam off at his brother's place for the day; kids were well behaved, we sat and chatted and played with the cafe toys (plastic horses and transformers and noise making things that we don't have at home!).
:: had a look in a lovely shop - that is styled quite beautifully. A lot of pieces in there that both the kids and I wanted to take home. And I wish I'd had my camera to take a photo of Mishi putting her hands in her pockets and walking around 'looking, not touching' for a matter of moments only.
:: Ari and me doing a little ribbon painting (more on this later), which lead on to some beautiful painting from all three of us.
:: Pleasant picnic lunch in the loungeroom. A vege stick platter of all "C" veges (cucumber, celery, carrot, capsicum), which lead to some letter and word talking.
:: Cake making with minimal fuss and bickering. Mishi peeled and mashed all the bananas without assistance from me, with much concentration and focus on her job. Ari measured and broke eggs and tasted and turned the mixer on and off - he really is a great baker who knows the process.
:: A glorious afternoon rainstorm. Dancing on the front porch, watching the lighting and listening to the thunder, and watching the rain splatter on the roofs around us. Dancing in the rain, which lead to much excitable dancing in the house.
:: The afternoon sun shining through the rain, and onto the kids eating their cake, and waiting for Daddy to come home.
:: Ari seeing hail for the first time. Tiny little pieces that melted almost as you touched them. Little spots of ice jumping down the stairs and in the front yard.
:: And then, for me, a little nap as I put the kids to bed. Lying and giving Mish her milk, I seem to slip into sleep without noticing, and wake up hours later not quite ready for bed.

Goodnight xx

solitude and company

Yesterday afternoon Sam took the kids over to his parents house, for a visit. Ari loves to see his Grandma every week, and misses her if he doesn't; so he had rung her in the morning to see if he could visit. I convinced Sam to stay for dinner :: giving me more quiet time at home!

I had enough time to do some blog-surfing, to vacuum the house, to photograph the beautiful flowers I bought from the organic market, and then to have a little time in the sewing room.
Zinnias - wild and tumbly. One of the flowers my Mum used to love. Along with dahlias. I love their rambling feeling. And all the colours. I am surprised at myself that I never get around to planting any in my garden, when I see them in other peoples' gardens. Maybe when we have a new house, and the garden of my dreams. (This garden, in my mind's-eye is quite a lot of work; I hope I have some friends and family to help me plant and tend it!).
So, anyway; my solitude. What a lovely afternoon I had. Just the clean floors under my feet (that doesn't last long here; clean floors). And the afternoon sun on the stretching shadows across the wall. And the quiet in my ears; well only the city noise outside at any rate.
And the company? Let me say that today was so beautiful. Walking and talking and collecting treasures (sticks and rocks and leaves), and enjoying the company of my children and my friends, and the weather just so perfectly perfect.* And then having a wonderful dinner out, with women friends (and little Mishi, who was sweet and funny and an easy, though messy, child). And feeling the true strengthening of a friendship that I am enjoying so much.

Things I need :: solitude and company. Don't we all!
*Queensland tourism has this saying/slogan, for their campaigns :: 'beautiful one day, perfect the next'. I think Winter really is the time to be here. Not hot, yet so not cold. The evenings are cooling, but slowly and still so mild. And the days are sunny, with clear skies, lovely wind (great for drying clothes, or possibly flying kits, or watching leaves flutter). Strange though, the Autumn leaves have not yet fallen and already I have seen wattle flower buds starting to form. (A bit like last year, maybe?). Will Winter happen, or will we pass the Autumn changes and the cold, and head straight for late Spring and the Summer heat? Oh, I hope not - for this time of year is just so glorious. (I am watching the tree down the road, waiting for this to happen - but still green glossy leaves clinging tightly to the tree).

just because

Last night, before bed, Ari spied a stray packet of sparklers. He asked if we could light some. Instead of my initial thought of 'No, it's bedtime, and not time for activities and going out into the cold, dark night', I said Yes. Sometimes I think I forget to just say yes. When I look around at parents and adults, I see them stopping fun for kids. Don't slurp your drink, don't ride your bike now, no it's too sunny to go to the park, or too cold or too early or too late. Stand up straight, don't lie down while you eat.....
So, anyway, we all went outside and lit those wonderful sparklers. And the happiness smile on his face was matched with our faces. One of our friends, who is staying with us, hadn't seen sparklers before. (Japanese fireworks, but not Australian sparklers).
And, just because, we all had a pillow fight before bed. Tucking in the sheets, and putting covers on the pillows became a game of hide-and-seek, a game of caves, a game of tickles.
And just because, I had five minutes on my own and took a few photos in the back yard. The afternoon light streaming through the mulberry tree onto the garden colours. And a few images of my newest bags (the ones not sold at the marketstall).

And just because, I sat down to write this post, while everyone played lego. And the warm day with floating clouds happened outside. And we took a few moments to sit and be, to talk and laugh. Watching Ash play soccer this morning, plans to go to the park with a friend this afternoon.
Just because.... I think I'm happy right now. Just because.

weather the weather be fine or weather the weather be not


I just wanted to quickly show you the weather we have been having lately. Endless rain, and in some parts of our country - lots of flooding. Our city dams, which have been at scary low levels (down to almost 15% last year), are finally getting a small bit of relief. Thankfully the city council is not lifting the water restrictions - just easing them. Though, honestly, I do not know how people can use as much water as they do. (I say this, smugly, knowing that we fall into the smallest water usage in our area, even with washing cloth nappies!).
After torrential downpours yesterday, where Sam had to ride home on his bicycle, it was warm (think muggy) and sunny today. Yesterday and today we were blessed with glorious afternoon skies.
And, while I'm talking about skies - the other morning, at about 5.30am, the sky was the most magical honey colour. Pouring in our windows. Both kids were drawn to peering out the windows at our bed, as soon they woke up. Stretching out to soak up the colour and magic. The whole sky was overcast / cloudy, the sun was reflecting across it all. Within only minutes it was back to grey clouds. But lying in bed for the few moments of quiet before getting up to go to yoga, I thought and thought about the Joni Mitchell song where "the sun poured in like butterscotch, and stuck to all my senses".