Having two children is so exhilarating :: exhausting, entertaining :: exhausting, enlivening :: exhausting, everlasting :: exhausting, educational :: exhausting, explorative :: exhausting, emotional :: exhausting. I have laughed more, cried more (with happiness), giggled more, told more stories, sung more songs, read more stories, made more meals, washed more clothes, cleaned up more (or cleaned up less - depending on what day you visit our house!). I have heard the best singing, the best concerts, watched the best dancing and twirling and hopping and yoga poses, seen the best paintings and drawings, tasted the best cooking, kissed the sweetest lips, hugged the softest bodies, heard the best secrets, had the best conversations*. Had the most intense ups and downs. And, the least sleep.
Mishi will be one in a week. not a lot of time for these loves over this past year or so!
This has been my year of exhaustion. But, it has also been my year of learning and opening and growing and letting go and enjoying so much more - enjoying myself more, as well as those around me. Some days I drag myself around, but I know that all Mums and Dads just learn to live through the tiredness, and get used to it, to opperate on untapped reserves, each time thinking we have reached the bottom of these reserves yet finding more. I know that the having of the children themselves fill up these reserves, overflow every emotion, so exhaustion no longer feels so tired, it feels uplifting and generous and true true depth of love.
Regardless of all the wonderful topping-ups I receive from my babies, I am hoping that this has been my hardest year, my most exhausting year. I am saying goodbye to exhaustion. I am hoping that it does get :: will get easier and easier. (If any of you have contrary evidence, please don't pop my bubble just yet - though some advice on how to continue surviving on minimal sleep would be welcomed).
I would like to say a big thank you to all the beautiful comments I received for my last post. Your words were uplifting and heart-felt. The past few weeks for me have been a bit emotional and intense in a lot of ways - and I think I was feeling a bit lost and lonely. I do know that I have true friends :: lots of people I have known for so long and feel so close to, as well as lots of people who are new friends, who I am getting to know more. And, yes - that includes you Beautiful Blog Women. So, thank you for being my world-wide friends - to learn, share, laugh, help, love.
After I wrote that entry, about being 'friendless', I had a wonderful conversation with Ari. Make believe play that we both had children (me two boys, him two girls) and that we were visiting each other's houses, and picking our kids up from school, and making afternoon tea for each. Sometimes, so silly, I forget that I have the best of friends right here with me every day. And this week, I have visited two friends (play for the kids, talk for me), and I have another two such visits planned for the week. Hmmmm - I think in my life I get to a point of crying out about something, and then somehow it completes or materialises something.**
And - I smile with happiness when I announce that I have just been awarded with my first blog award. Thank you, Amy. I thought that I had finished all the 'E' (to go with exhausting), but I have been given the Excellence Award. I'm not sure how to put the little logo thing here, so look here to see it. To pass this on :: I know so many excellent blogs. Excellent for their writing, their photographs, their crafts, their dreams and aspirations, their openness and honesty, their recipes, stories...... Let me stick with these few. Momo (kurashi), Sarah (still life in yarn), Sarah (cloth.paper.string), Beth (write, mama. write).
*Some wonderful conversations with some wonderful mums. As well as some astounding words and conversations and stories with Ari and Ash, and soon enough Mishi.
**The days before I met Sam (my partner of almost ten years), I had been crying to my Mum of how I never seem to meet anyone, or be able to form any sort of relationship. She told me the words of wisdom she was good at telling :: that I would meet someone when it was right, to stop 'looking' and it would happen. And, of course she was right. I met Sam, who had lived next door to me for more than six months! And we both fell for each other straight away, and I have loved him since.