My house is in a fuzzy sort of mess.

My life seems out of balance, and well fuzzy too.

My finances aren't at all in the happy or healthy zones.
My mind most definitely is fuzzy, and out of balance and while there are some happy moments in my head there have been some quite unhappy and not so healthy aspects. So many things going on.
Yet despite all this my little ones still have the power to stop me, and make me laugh, or read them a story, or push them on the swing - or fly on the swing with them. They give the happiness and remind me to soak up the Winter sun, to look at the flowers - "the fairies danced so that the flowers could open".
So, with head too fuzzily muddled to write what I might want - I've decided to try and just keep my posts simple, with some photos and maybe a few words. And try and post more often than once or twice a week (I've tried that a few times before, haven't I).
And one friendship in particular, that continues to strengthen. That, too, is giving me motivation and ability to enjoy the small moments of peace and listening and being listened to, and of just being. And not having to be anything particular - just myself.
Sam and I are thinking and planning and working madly on our new business venture. I'll tell you about it soon, when I feel we really have something proper to show you. oooohhhh the anticipation is killing you, hey!!
Also - I wanted to say hi to my family and friends who read this little part of me, and don't often comment. Please do comment, just to let me know you're there. :: Hi Lea, Tal + Suri - lovely to hear from you

solitude and company

Yesterday afternoon Sam took the kids over to his parents house, for a visit. Ari loves to see his Grandma every week, and misses her if he doesn't; so he had rung her in the morning to see if he could visit. I convinced Sam to stay for dinner :: giving me more quiet time at home!

I had enough time to do some blog-surfing, to vacuum the house, to photograph the beautiful flowers I bought from the organic market, and then to have a little time in the sewing room.
Zinnias - wild and tumbly. One of the flowers my Mum used to love. Along with dahlias. I love their rambling feeling. And all the colours. I am surprised at myself that I never get around to planting any in my garden, when I see them in other peoples' gardens. Maybe when we have a new house, and the garden of my dreams. (This garden, in my mind's-eye is quite a lot of work; I hope I have some friends and family to help me plant and tend it!).
So, anyway; my solitude. What a lovely afternoon I had. Just the clean floors under my feet (that doesn't last long here; clean floors). And the afternoon sun on the stretching shadows across the wall. And the quiet in my ears; well only the city noise outside at any rate.
And the company? Let me say that today was so beautiful. Walking and talking and collecting treasures (sticks and rocks and leaves), and enjoying the company of my children and my friends, and the weather just so perfectly perfect.* And then having a wonderful dinner out, with women friends (and little Mishi, who was sweet and funny and an easy, though messy, child). And feeling the true strengthening of a friendship that I am enjoying so much.

Things I need :: solitude and company. Don't we all!
*Queensland tourism has this saying/slogan, for their campaigns :: 'beautiful one day, perfect the next'. I think Winter really is the time to be here. Not hot, yet so not cold. The evenings are cooling, but slowly and still so mild. And the days are sunny, with clear skies, lovely wind (great for drying clothes, or possibly flying kits, or watching leaves flutter). Strange though, the Autumn leaves have not yet fallen and already I have seen wattle flower buds starting to form. (A bit like last year, maybe?). Will Winter happen, or will we pass the Autumn changes and the cold, and head straight for late Spring and the Summer heat? Oh, I hope not - for this time of year is just so glorious. (I am watching the tree down the road, waiting for this to happen - but still green glossy leaves clinging tightly to the tree).

100 - finally here

Well, here it is :: my 100th Post! I know, I know - a lot of you would have done this within 3 or so months. My 'regular' 8 or so a month posting has landed me here. Finally at 100. I've been wanting to use it as an excuse for a giveaway - have been thinking about it for ages.
So, here you go - as a celebration of me sticking at this, and enjoying it, and finding new friends, and inspiration, and doing a bit of sewing and photography and me time. I really love this little space of mine, and I love having all of you as guests in my home.

We may have a party this afternoon - please join us. (Ari can't wait for his birthday in October, so we get to have lots of parties here).

As a party gift, and a thank you for being my friend, for opening up and sharing and listening - I'm going make something (I don't know what yet??), to send to one lucky guest. Please, leave me a comment - say hello all you lurkers (friends + family welcome, too!). I'm going to wait a week or so, and then choose a name. Tell me a little about yourself in your comment.

Thank you for being here for me, and encouraging me.

such sweet generosity

Yesterday, while we were at the park with our friends - Momo and Oliver - and having our little picnic lunch, Momo handed me some glorious feeling fabric. We had been talking last week about kimonos, and how I would love to have some for the fabric, as I have heard from so many people about how easy it is to get older cotton and silk kimonos in Japan. Momo said that she had some, and would see if there were any pieces she might give to me.
Well, when I saw them in the park I was so excited. Such beautiful pieces of fabric, so perfect under my fingers. I almost started thinking about what to sew them into. But, when I got home and looked properly at them - well, they weren't pieces but full kimonos. Not cut into at all. Two full kimonos. One a thickish cotton, the other is the most beautiful silk. Both lined, with hand-stitching details.
When Sam got home he put the cotton one on - it looks really good on him. He wondered if maybe he could wear it, instead of me cutting and sewing it. I'm sure Momo wouldn't mind, at least until I work up my courage to put scissors to these generous gifts. I'm not sure if I can ever cut them - I'm not really good at cutting just squares of fabric, let alone something perfectly sewn and in excellent condition (no tears, no holes, no worn parts).
Thank you Momo. You may not know what this gift means to me. It's more than two beautiful kimonos, so many possibilities of what to turn it into. It's possibilities of what our friendship is turning into. We had a lovely time at the park yesterday, with you and your sweet son.
Check out flickr for more kimono fabric detail + dress up fun.

my year of exhaustion

Having two children is so exhilarating :: exhausting, entertaining :: exhausting, enlivening :: exhausting, everlasting :: exhausting, educational :: exhausting, explorative :: exhausting, emotional :: exhausting. I have laughed more, cried more (with happiness), giggled more, told more stories, sung more songs, read more stories, made more meals, washed more clothes, cleaned up more (or cleaned up less - depending on what day you visit our house!). I have heard the best singing, the best concerts, watched the best dancing and twirling and hopping and yoga poses, seen the best paintings and drawings, tasted the best cooking, kissed the sweetest lips, hugged the softest bodies, heard the best secrets, had the best conversations*. Had the most intense ups and downs. And, the least sleep.

Mishi will be one in a week.

not a lot of time for these loves over this past year or so!

This has been my year of exhaustion. But, it has also been my year of learning and opening and growing and letting go and enjoying so much more - enjoying myself more, as well as those around me. Some days I drag myself around, but I know that all Mums and Dads just learn to live through the tiredness, and get used to it, to opperate on untapped reserves, each time thinking we have reached the bottom of these reserves yet finding more. I know that the having of the children themselves fill up these reserves, overflow every emotion, so exhaustion no longer feels so tired, it feels uplifting and generous and true true depth of love.

Regardless of all the wonderful topping-ups I receive from my babies, I am hoping that this has been my hardest year, my most exhausting year. I am saying goodbye to exhaustion. I am hoping that it does get :: will get easier and easier. (If any of you have contrary evidence, please don't pop my bubble just yet - though some advice on how to continue surviving on minimal sleep would be welcomed).

I would like to say a big thank you to all the beautiful comments I received for my last post. Your words were uplifting and heart-felt. The past few weeks for me have been a bit emotional and intense in a lot of ways - and I think I was feeling a bit lost and lonely. I do know that I have true friends :: lots of people I have known for so long and feel so close to, as well as lots of people who are new friends, who I am getting to know more. And, yes - that includes you Beautiful Blog Women. So, thank you for being my world-wide friends - to learn, share, laugh, help, love.

After I wrote that entry, about being 'friendless', I had a wonderful conversation with Ari. Make believe play that we both had children (me two boys, him two girls) and that we were visiting each other's houses, and picking our kids up from school, and making afternoon tea for each. Sometimes, so silly, I forget that I have the best of friends right here with me every day. And this week, I have visited two friends (play for the kids, talk for me), and I have another two such visits planned for the week. Hmmmm - I think in my life I get to a point of crying out about something, and then somehow it completes or materialises something.**

And - I smile with happiness when I announce that I have just been awarded with my first blog award. Thank you, Amy. I thought that I had finished all the 'E' (to go with exhausting), but I have been given the Excellence Award. I'm not sure how to put the little logo thing here, so look here to see it. To pass this on :: I know so many excellent blogs. Excellent for their writing, their photographs, their crafts, their dreams and aspirations, their openness and honesty, their recipes, stories...... Let me stick with these few. Momo (kurashi), Sarah (still life in yarn), Sarah (cloth.paper.string), Beth (write, mama. write).

*Some wonderful conversations with some wonderful mums. As well as some astounding words and conversations and stories with Ari and Ash, and soon enough Mishi.

**The days before I met Sam (my partner of almost ten years), I had been crying to my Mum of how I never seem to meet anyone, or be able to form any sort of relationship. She told me the words of wisdom she was good at telling :: that I would meet someone when it was right, to stop 'looking' and it would happen. And, of course she was right. I met Sam, who had lived next door to me for more than six months! And we both fell for each other straight away, and I have loved him since.

giving thanks

I just want to say a BIG thank-you to everyone who stops and reads these little words of mine. I really take such delight, pleasure, inspiration in all comments and love from you. I enjoy finding new blogs :: friends as a consequence. I love receiving comments :: they brighten my day unbelievably, and they give me continued motivation to go on with this blog and ventures and thoughts and hopes and dreams. Thank you for helping me dream.

Lately, I feel, I haven't been responding as I should to the kind, thoughtful words - so this, humbly, is it.

(My computer has been driving me crazy, going so slow and not letting me update my blog as I like. Soon I hope I can put some updated new blog reads, etc).