wisdom of a three year old

The other day I overhead Ari talking to himself. He wasn't talking on the (pretend) phone, as he often does - conducting a great conversation through a wooden banana or one of our old mobile phones. (With the batteries taken out, they are an accessory that Ari enjoys!).

No, he was talking to himself - or possibly to one of the people he keeps telling me are in the room with us (or building our house, wearing pink clothes).

"Dear Ari, Accept (or was it except?) that you'll be older. When you're three. Mummy, I'm three aren't I?". I don't know what he was thinking or talking about. Really, mostly his mind wonders and scrambles so much quicker than mine, and his mouth manages to keep up! Anyone with a young child, who can string a few words together will know what I mean. This little boy who used to be so quiet as a baby and small toddler - well, he fills our world with noise. With words, stories, questions, questions, questions. He rattles off songs we've listened to, stories we've read, conversations he's overheard. Just yesterday he copied every single word I said while on the phone to someone, having to pay a bill (or pay off a layby!!), so I was telling them my credit card number.

Every moment I look at him, listen to him, spend time with him - he is growing and growing. Right now - despite the tantrums and whinging (which really isn't too bad anymore) - he is a very thoughtful, caring boy. Today, while we were waiting for new tyres on our car we went to a cafe. Whenever my glass of juice was empty he topped it up again for me, without spilling a drop. He kept offering me bites of his biscuit. This afternoon he wanted to put Mishi to sleep, telling her a story and patting her on the back. The lady at yoga-care said he had such lovely manners, and was nice to be with :: Well, I agree.

I especially love when he comes over to me, just while doing his things, leans against me and gives me a kiss. Sometimes on my leg or my shoulder, sometimes on my mouth. And he says "I love you in the whole world".

Thanks Ari for brightening up my days, for making me think about things differently, or again and again, for expecting me to be a wonderful Mother. For loving me for who I am. I love you in the whole world Baba. xx

finished! :: gifting

Sewing lately has been a bit too few and far between. Moments of no kids seem to be times of tiredness and guilt at not cleaning the house. I keep getting more fabric, so really must start using it. Just wanted to show a few of the projects that have been finished lately :: so I feel like I'm achieving something! And a little peek of my delicious, make-me-feel-happy swing tag that Sam designed for me. I'll have to get you a real image soon.

Apron + little tote for my Niece's birthday. Apron is made from a beautiful old dress, and some fairy fabric (maybe AH fabric?) I've had in my stash. Tote is great thick purple cotton, also from my stash and Alexander Henry 'Birdseed' in pink (which I love love love, and want to use on so many projects).

Apron + Head band, both kids versions from Bend the Rules (yes, again!). I've sewn the apron twice now, and I know next time it will be almost perfect. Also Alexander Henry 'Birdseed', in yellow with purple backing and pocket trimming. Ari choose the colours - and I love the combination. And that little head band - oooh, I am so going to be making a heap more of them in all different sizes and colours for all different people. It took me about ten minutes all up to sew, with Ari hanging off my arm. I'm going to make some with elastic for Mish as well :: will be too hard tying a ribbon on her head! They're for a little friend of his who turned three. She's a red-head, so I think the orange/yellow head band will really work well.

Kids Discovery Messenger Tote - Jumping Fish. For my nephew, whose birthday was a little while ago! I made the pattern myself :: I really like the stitching on the strap, and have been working on a few more bags with similar straps. The book is a great second-hand find :: an Indian myth / memory story written by a really excellent Indian cook-book author. This is the same fabric as my skirt :: my aunt found it second hand (she's a Queen at op-shopping), and gave it to me!

On the actual selling of my bags :: well, two have sold at the shop. Which, yes, is exciting - but I did have hopes of them all selling out - okay, not all, but a couple more than a few. Anyway, I'm taking it slowly, easing into this thing of wanting to sew and do and make and produce :: and maybe then sell.

4.15 :: 6.15

Saturday 4.15pm. West End. Waiting for baklava.

Accompanied by :: three kids in the back of the car, finally silenced by Bear + Chook stories.
Preceded by :: a tasty + entertaining picnic at a riverside park, with close family.
Followed by :: a relaxing cup of tea + baklava and Turkish delight, with same family.

Sunday 6.15pm. Home. Waiting for dinner (take-away).

Accompanied by :: few moments of silence and own time, at home. Kids in bed early after big play-day. Sam out getting the Indian take-away.

Preceded by :: a great, noisy, hectic, talkative impromptu afternoon with Sylve + Ash. And a morning at a little party for a 3-yr old friend.

Followed by :: quiet dinner with Sam. Kids were still in bed!

making me happy

There is so much rushing through my mind at the moment. So many possibilities :: thoughts :: ideas :: hopes :: wishes :: aspirations ::

Two of my bags have sold, and the shop has only been open for five days. When I first found out, I tingled all over. The first thing ever to have sold that I made - as an adult. We used to make things to sell at our school fairs when we were kids.

I want to use this very tiny beginning as a big push :: shove to start something real. The immeadiate thing of needing to work, so working from home is so much more appealing and tempting to me. It's easier, in a sense; I don't have to think about having my little ones in care for that fact. (I do want Ari to start kindy or something soon, but for his sake, not for mine). I also don't want to have to think about going to look for work, or go back to where I was before. While I did love the aspect of being out as myself and not a mother, I know that being a mother is the biggest part of who I am. And sometimes having to get out of the house and be ready and presentable on time for work :: well that can be a major stress. Basically my priorities have changed. That, and the fact that I don't want to be working for someone else for my life. I have always wanted my own business, of something. Well, now is a chance, an opportunity for me to start something.

And my whole family is supporting me, and excited with me. And that makes me happy.

Now :: just need to find the time. Last night was planned as a sewing night - I fell asleep while putting the kids to bed at 7.30pm. Hmmmmmm. Have to plan this a bit better, maybe?

Other happiness ::

Ari is more and more wanting to cuddle and kiss Mishi. He is being so much more loving to her, thinking and caring about her more. Slowly, slowly this has the possibility of making things a little bit easier.

Edited 7 Jan 2008. This is another of those half concocted pages of babble. I am trying to go through and put it all into my blog - it's all snippets of my mind at times during these fleeting moments of youth for my babies. I want to have whatever words I have managed to get out of my brain for my memories - maybe their memories.

happy birthday baby boy - 25 October

Well, my Darling, now you are three. You are 97cm tall. You weigh 14.6kgs. I love that this is a reference for something for you :: you use it when we play shops - icecreams cost 14 point six, and the books you set up and sell cost 14 point six. When you measure things with your tapemeasure they are generally 14.6, sometimes you just say things are centmeet.

Every single day I see you growing bigger, learning and discovering more. I can hardly keep up with you. I don't quite feel like I know enough to keep up with you. All day you ask me what things are, what words mean, why this, why that. Both Sam and I try the best we can to explain things to you, we tell you how things are, and don't make words up or use baby-talk. (You know all about Mummy's period :: and have told a few people too!).

Lately you have been singing and dancing a lot. You remember words of songs and stories really easily. Last week everywhere you went you sang "Wobble your Knees" and walked around shaking and knocking your knees. And you pick up and recite stories really well, already you know words from your new birthday books. Though you are still convinced that you can't read.

I'm sorry, Honey Bear, but we lost Bunny again a few weeks ago. This time, he has not come home. Yet, it seems to be a good time - if ever there really was. Bunny had become a wonderful friend for you, you called him such, so I wanted you to be able to have him always. You didn't need him, or rely on him for comfort so much anymore. You have taken the loss so well. Occasionally you have asked for Bunny, but have understood and almost accepted when we've told you that he's gone somewhere else. On the first day when I really explained his loss, you had a big cuddle and quiet-time. You also said that you didn't want Mishi, you wanted Bunny.

About Mishi :: you do love her. Last week you finally gave her a kiss goodnight, and when we were lying down for sleeping you were stroking her hair so softly. She looks to you, loving playing with you and following you - just the way you do with Ash (and the way Sylve did with me when we were kids!). I know right now it's hard for you, not wanting someone competing with the attention and time from your Mummy and Daddy. Soon, I know, Mishi will be a great friend for you.

I love spending time with you. Drawing, talking, walking, cooking, reading, playing cafes or shops, or building lego or mobilo, or painting. You are an excellent cook, measuring things out and cracking the eggs, turning the mixer on and off, pouring batter into muffin or cake tins. Last weekend you and Daddy made sushi for dinner, you stood up on your stool, helping, and eating seaweed.

We all still sleep in one big bed together. Mish's cot is joined to our bed on one side, and your little bed on the other side. I love having my whole family in one big bed. You wake up in the morning, happy for the day, you ask me "how was your sleeping Ellie?".

You are still my little baby. Sometimes I look at you, and remember you as a baby. My tiny little boy. Your face is growing leaner, and your body skinnier and taller. You have the same body shape as your Dad. I see a boy, a baby. My boy, my baby.

Giggle, laugh, learn, grow, experience, feel, see, hear, show, listen, tell, help, know. You show me how to do all this and so much more every day. Thank you, Honey Bear. xxx

ode to a friend

THIS* just made me (almost) cry. My heart pumped up, my eyes swelled. My guilt was evident all over again. I suppose to most people these images would be beautiful, yes emotive, evocative, a wonderful memory or story of childhood. To me :: they remind me that I am the Mother who lost her son's special friend.

Well, I don't know if I lost it, or if Ari did. But really, I am the one who takes the blame and responsibility for Bunny not coming home a few weeks ago. I still keep hoping I'll find him squashed under the car seat. Yet I know this can't be. We've looked and looked and looked.

And the gallery never rang to say they had found the grubby blanket bunny head. And we went back and looked around the streets. Strange. Gone.

Ari has been so very good and understanding. I suppose if this had to happen (again), then now really was the best time. Having his birthday excitement. Moving into the next phase of being a bigger boy. He didn't need Bunny for that 'security' so much anyway. Yet, Bunny had become an excellent friend - that's what Ari called him. Really, he could have transitioned away from the needing of Bunny yet still kept him as that precious little friend. And - memory for this Mama of that precious moment of childhood.

These photos were taken only a few days before Bunny went missing. On their last outing together.Ari, darling. You love(d) Bunny - he was real, important, special. When we talked about him not being here anymore you were brave but sad. You kept saying that you didn't want Mishi, you wanted Bunny. You have asked us a few times over the last weeks where Bunny is :: each time we tell you the truth. You understand and listen, yet you still say 'I want Bunny, get me Bunny'. I love Bunny too, and miss him. I miss who he turned into - for you, what he represented, his lovely little head and paws, his grubby grubby grubby totally loved self. The fact that he went so many places through your childhood with you, yet was tossed easily across the room and left in a corner until bedtime when we had to turn the house upside down before you could go to bed.
Bunny :: moved in with the fairies. We miss you.

*Link doesn't take you to exact image. Thank you Leigh-Ann for your tutorial, but somehow it's not letting me upload the image.... So :: go to "The Doudou Projects", image 13 esp but all of them really.

sew slow

A few weeks ago I happened upon a flyer while at the GOMA. Someone was opening a new design shop over at Paddington. Looking for people with things to sell - designish like. Well, I emailed for more info, expecting to be told that they were full and the waiting list was so long. Yet, yet... she had space, I emailed photos, and she selected me! Okay, not me, but some of my bags that I've been sewing lately. The photos I sent were an assortment of ones I'd made for family and friends, for presents. What this meant was that I had to produce some to give her. The acceptance email she sent me said that she wanted the stuff now! To cut this story short, I spent most of last weekend sewing and sewing.I am quite a slow sewer, and was even slower doing these as I wanted to make sure they were all as neat, tidy, straight, pretty as possible. I also had to cut and iron and sew in sort of confined and not really well organised space. Wonderfully, Sam took both the kids for walks and outings. And Sylve took Ari away for a two night sleepover. He's stayed at Sylve's house before for one night maximum, but she only lives five minutes away from us. This time they were down at Anouk's house and then my Dad's house - two hours away from here, for two nights! I think we both coped really well for our first real sleep-away holiday. Hmmm, Mish also had her first real away time that weekend too.So, she liked the bags that I made and thinks they'll sell. I ended up with nine, yes only nine - not 75 (okay, she had helpers and mine are a bit more intricate and fully lined and inner-fleeced. I did actually make 11 over the weekend :: one for Sidi's birthday and one that still needs a bit of 'attention' before suitable for retail). But the kids were here at times and I did have lovely interuptions. And I also enjoyed the quiet time of only having a baby again for two days!!

Well, anyway, maybe I'll just leave you with these glamorously styled images of the bags. More details can be found here. The shop officially opens tomorrow, so I'll have to let you know how it goes.

So much other stuff has been happening lately, but I want to post about that separately. Ari turned 3 this week - I can't quite believe I'm the mum of a 3yr old kid. I'm still composing a birthday letter to him.

On a different note :: today, at the market, one of the stallholders asked how I was, what was exciting, that sort of thing. I said everyday was exciting, new, an adventure. He said that's why I had a sparkle in my eyes. I thought that was a lovely thing to say - it sparked me up a bit more.

pre-wash

We went to the fabric store today, to buy some particular colours and bits - mainly to match all this. Somehow match, will still being a little quirky, or something.... I don't have a massive fabric stash like a lot of other people. Sewing has been an on-off past-time for me over the years with not a lot of dedication. So I have never felt the justification for purchasing or hoarding fabric. My Mum used to have a massive basketful, but she gave it all away years ago to someone else - as none of her children were using it. I wish now that there was something left of it. So, I'll start my own stash for my children. Or use it all...

Actually, I was very impressed with the fabrics available. I haven't been to this particular shop for a while, they have so much stuff, but often a lot of junk. Today, there was a massive selection of quilting quality fabric, beautiful cottons, with special prints. Still, nothing quite like these ones I've fallen in love with. I've got some stuff for sale on ebay, with the hope of topping up my paypal account - so I can simply spend it!

Well, I'm not actually really sure I got any good base colours - as in bag interiors and such. But I did find some more fabric to love and anticipate cutting and sewing. And, for once in my life I pre-washed the fabric. The windy afternoon helped flicked and flapped the pieces on the line, drying them quickly.I have a fun, exciting little project just starting. Something that I've been dreaming about for a while, and talking about, and now little bits are starting to happen. Hopefully things fall into place. I'll keep you posted in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I have a lot of sewing catch-up planned for this weekend. Ari is going to Sidi's birthday party, with Sylve + Ash. I'll be sad to miss out, but having him go away for a few nights without Sam or me will be really good for him. And for us! Sam will be doing a bit of extra kid-watching this weekend, too, so I have some head space for thinking / sewing.

The kids were really good while out "fabric-ing". Mish was happy just to sit and taste what the store had to offer :: cloth really is quite tasty if you give it a go. And Ari found the bin where all the end-of-roll tubes were being thrown out. Thankfully he only needed to bring one home.

We spent some time this afternoon, Ari asking me to build the tube into something. I had to think what. He didn't know. So, not quite wide enough for a telescope. Pretty fun to whisper secrets in, and hear from the other end. Even more fun as a didgeridoo, where we can make noise and talk a little about what it is, and decorate it. We checked out u-tube for some playing and music with the didg. This weekend just past, we actually went to the art gallery and saw the dot paintings of the Indigenous Australians. So, Ari dotted and dotted his tube. Of course, he then wanted me to stick some other piece of drawing over that only half an hour later.

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention the constant whinging and moaning from them both this afternoon. I keep telling myself that this phase won't last for long. Where Ari hits, pushes, shoves Mish for no reason. Where she won't play on her own for more than a moment, and if she is - then Ari will choose that moment to snatch her toy or scream at her, which she hates, so she'll cry. And then...... Soon, I hope, wish, must, must, must .... soon there will be some sort of equilibrium and general ease of our days. But currently it tires me out so much. We don't do anything, and I'm exhausted. I have plans of achieving, doing, exploring, learning, teaching, playing, cleaning :: yet, often these past two weeks I've not done anything. We've just hung out, read stories, played in our backyard, whinged, cried (me included), hung about. Ah well, we still roll into bed together happily. We read our bedtime stories, we hug and laugh and, most importantly, we love.

a tale of a nap and a sleep-over

Ari had a sleep-over at Sylve + Ashey's last night, and we didn't pick him up until 5.30 this afternoon. Sam went to work today - one more of the perks of retail is working on Sundays! And Mishi had a decent sleep for an hour or so. What this means is :: I had some time all on my own at home. This is very rare for me, actually more than rare, practically extinct. I think that last time was possibly before Mish was born, or the few minutes when Sam walks to the corner store with both kids to buy milk. Believe me :: today was glorious.

I had some time to make a coffee, make bread, clean the kitchen (well, no - I didn't finish all the washing up, okay Sam I'm admitting it!). And the, I had time to photograph some of the beautiful fabrics that I recently purchased and are urging and calling me to make things with them. And of course the book that is giving me such creative inspiration. I promise I won't talk about this book all week, but it really has pushed me to do some really great sewing. A lot of the projects are simple and easy and achievable - that's what I really like about it. Things I can do, could have done without the book :: but things that I haven't done, the book has showed me the tips and simplified and prompted me and inspired me.

I finished two aprons today - well one last night and one today while Mish slept. I can't show either of them yet as they are gifts for dear sweet little girls. So, in a few weeks I'll be able to show you my handiwork. Let me just say, that I am so super-duper happy with the results. Proving to me again that I can actually sew. And that if I follow the rules from Amy - and know when to break them - then the results are better and better.

I also finally photographed the adorable clothing that a very dear and special friend posted to Mish a few weeks ago. She also sent some lovely wooden toys for Ari, but currently they are scattered throughout the house and car :: A great wooden egg shaker, a bright yellow spinning top, but unfortunately the toy drum was confiscated by customs on the trip over from the UK. The clothes are too big for Mish, which means I get to spend the next year(s) looking at them - that sop especially is so so so beautiful, almost exactly like one I want to try and make for myself.

So, this is my inspiration for today. A lot of sewing and girly fabrics. A lot of ideas and thoughts and wishes and hopes for near future plans.

An amazing more than two hour phone conversation with my big sister was a wonderful close to today. With everyone in bed in both our houses we talked about so much stuff, agreeing and wishing we lived closer so we could have conversed across a table, cups of tea in hands.

And finally, the fingernail moon we watched in the early evening sky. The fading and darkening to deep dark blue with the glowing slither of light.

Of course, a day at home all alone with my little girl was the most inspirational of all. She played happily on her own, ate lunch with me - well, spread rice all over the floor - giggled and chatted and crawled and pulled herself trying to walk. Each day I see a little more of the woman she may become, each day I feel excited about the relationship we have now and in our future. I had such a strong closeness with my Mum, and still have a deep respect and love for her, that I know good things are in store for us. Mish and me.

inspirational challenge

I've decided that I'm going to set myself a little sort of blogging challenge. What I've been thinking is that I'm going to post everyday about things that inspired me that day. Photos mainly, but also words. As I don't always carry the camera, or can't always take a picture when I see it, and then it's happened. It's sometimes a little bit hard with an eight-month old hanging off my hip - often wanting to grapple with the camera. So, regardless of any "dramas" or difficulties or hassles I encounter during my day, I'm still wanting to enjoy and take notice of and enjoy those little aspects of the day. The parts sometimes I ignore, or don't have the thought process to take time to soak up.

Today it was the wind that swept me up. We've been having such lovely breezes over the last few days, zooming through the open windows, swishing papers and such about. These sort of breezes really wake me up, energise me. Of course, if it becomes too windy then I just feel ruffled.

I took a few photos this morning of my latest projects. I've been on a bit of a sewing rush lately. Very fun, productive, creative. I've been sneaking off to the sewing table - everyone finds me of course, much like Amanda! Some bags from Amy's book, and ideas for finishing a skirt I had - cut out and sitting in one of my sewing baskets.

My finished skirt - jumping fish fabric from my Aunt A wrap-around. I love it. And, when you see a photo of me like this, remember that I'm a "Milking Mama"!

And the wind whipping through Mishy's hair. The way that the breeze made her jump and squeal with delight, and the smiles across her chubby little face. Oh, those teeth. Only two weeks ago she had a toothless grin, now almost four sharp pointy nippers. (And nippers, yes - she's learning how to use them, on me!).

I finally made a bag for myself. The way that I wanted it - pink flowers and birds. Now, back to sewing presents for other people.

Hmmmm, so.... If anyone is interested in joining me in this little challenge for the next week - of posting images or words of the things most inspirational from that day - let me know, as I'd love to see your posts and I'll link you here.

the act of letting go

I am not a perfectionist, by far - but somewhere inside of my mind, my ego, some part of my being, I have aims and aspirations for perfectionism. For some strange reason while I myself am far from perfect, I want and expect it from other people. And I feel myself edging in to tell them what they should be doing better, or telling myself that if only they did this or that, then whatever would be better. I am such an excellent critic - I think possibly that was my calling and I didn't listen. Yet, in myself I still want perfectionism in my daily life, in the things I produce and do.

On a morning walk while visiting my sister.

Though lately, these last weeks especially, I have been telling myself to let go more, for things to be able to evolve and not have to be forced in some way or other - or for my mind to have to re-record the story differently. I have allowed my friends to read stories to my children the way they read, not the way that I usually do - that particular line or word or paragraph doesn't have to be enunciated in the way that I do it, the emphasis can be different.

I am teaching myself more and more to let Ari do things his own way. Not to have to jump in and and tell him which picture to glue where, or that his painting should be finished now, before all the colours make too much of a grey muck all over the lovely lines.

And, mainly, importantly I am trying slowly to let myself enjoy the things I do, in a different way. What I mean by this, is that I am doing more and allowing things to be not quite right. Making bread is a hit-and-miss, sometimes it is delicious, sometimes it is not so good. Though still, I am encouraging myself to continue and enjoy (or accept) the not so tasty loaves.

Sewing too - well.... I am definitely not two straight lines, more like "a few wonky lines". I am learning, learning that I will only get better if I keep with it, have more energy and dedication (urgh.. don't I talk about that a bit too much!), and less criticism of the end product. Well, also a few tips from my lovely, exciting first foray into Amazon buying, and some great fabrics have helped a little (which I haven't photographed, but want to before I use it all up). The want to make the most of these has been uppermost in producing better quality.

Bag from my new favourite book. I added some extra pockets inside, so he can carry around his matchbox cars and other bits of stuff.

In writing too. I feel I haven't written here for so long because - well, I'm not actually sure I have a lot to say that is of much interest to anyone, or that it's well enough written for anyone to bother reading. I mean, there are so many wonderful blogs out there - in fact so many, that I'm not going to even link to any, as we all have our favourites. Such creative, intelligent, thought-provoking, warm-hearted (mainly) women. I don't really quite fit into the ideals of my expectations. Yet, still, I want to continue this blog thing. I always liked journalling at school - enjoyed the process of it, as well as the creativity. About this blog as well - it is proving to not be the best place for someone who like words to line up, and paragraphs to be square with the correct spaces, and images to sit just right. But, I'm being forced to let all that just be, as computer programing is not a fun topic for me.

Another area where I know practice will only make it better is photography. Though, actually, thinking about it - I have been doing this for quite a long time (since I was a kid, I think), and still I haven't really got a real style or technique. Some of my photos I think are really good, great, excellent, and some, well, are pretty mediocre. Yet, it is something that I enjoy doing. And, that's what this is all about - the enjoyment at one level, not just the end level.

So, I'm going to try to let things be a bit more. Not feel that I have to proof everything and think it too much. Some things can be wrong, or not quite acceptable. And, really, I say it and think it - that it is from "mistakes" that we learn and grow and change. So - mistakes here we come!

You'd actually have thought I'd really have learnt all this before, and I have, but it's just taking me a while to really put it into practice in my daily life. It's like not using the good linen, or wearing white because I don't want to get dirty. Or something.

Hmmmm, as Ari says (copying Sam) "Whateva".

doing, making, baking, dancing, being

Big Ted was allowed to have icecream and biscuit at dinner time, while Ari had to eat his dinner. Felt food that I've been enjoying sewing lately.

We've been in :: out :: round-a-bout :: up :: down :: turn-a-round of late. Lots of things, and not much happening all at once. Seems like every day going out, visiting, playing at the park, yoga, meeting friends, driving (did I mention that I finally got my licence a few weeks ago.. Yes finally, I'm 29 and can now drive all on my own!). All this constantness has been good and bad.

Good, in terms of the kids seem to be getting a bit crazy and bored at home lately. Our back room is still in mess-mode from kitchen reno stuff :: paint, wood, junk, old oven, etc... So not a heap of space for crafting and that sort of thing. We have been making do in other ways, some not as successful as others. We've discovered some lovely new parks and had fun with friends, and done a good deal of driving and learning how to try and be quiet for Mama in the car. Good that we can be out in the lovely weather, pushing our toes into dirt, swinging on swings, having Mama's full attention while on our little outings.

Bad in the sense that nothing has been getting done at home lately. Washing piling up, mess attracting more mess. Also that general tiredness that happens to us all when we are out so much. Sometimes it really is wonderful just to be at home and not have to :: want to go and be somewhere else. Its good just to sit and talk, talk, talk. Have our own space, things, noise. Not feel as if we are encroaching on someone else, or that they are taking our airspace, play-space, good spot in the shady grass.

We've been making bread lately. A few batches. Finally I have a new good oven A real oven. Previous to this we've either had gas ovens or a convection/microwave thing my Grandma gave us second-hand. I love my new oven, even though I'm still learning how best it works. So far our baking has been quite successful.

Baking bread, the kneading especially always reminds me of my Mum. She used to make wonderful bread, pungent aroma, soft, fluffy, so tasty buttered warm. I have such warm thoughts of her strong arms and hands pushing and pulling the dough into the rams head shape. I love doing this when I make bread. I never mix it by machine, and don't have a bread maker machine to bake it in. This is one thing that I feel I always want to be able to feel and be a part of all the processes.

It has been a bit hard to achieve things as of late. Mish won't sit on her own for long at all. I hope its just a little 'phase' she's going through, but she cries and cries or moans to be picked up. And not by anyone but Mama. She's teething and I'm hoping that this is the primary reason for this little bit of needing cuddles and more attention. She has just started calling "Meh ma-mam". I love those first real "words", evolving from necessity. Along with teething and talking, she has finally started with real dedication to learn to crawl. A few little knee moves while up on all fours, and pulling herself reaching out for something. Previous to this she has been doing the backwards slide. Downward dog is a great little pose she's showing a lot of. Yet, thoughout all this, her smiles are getting bigger, her laughing so cheerful and directed.

Rock Around the Clock tonight. "Mummy look at what time it is".

Ari too, has been quite trying of late. The cheekiness has crept up on us over the past few months. And our little kid, who was such a sweet natured and quiet boy, is showing us more and more of his determination and willful side. I am trying every day to give him more and more leniency and learn how to not yell - I mean, it's no use as he doesn't listen to yelling any more or less than he listens to quiet talk. I think, hope that I'll work out better ways of being with him through this stage of asserting himself.

Dancing round and round.

One little thing I've found, apart from trips to the park or shop or friends, is listening to music. We've had Hullabaloo on repeat for the last few days. And all three of us have danced and jumped and sung and laughed around the kitchen. Such simple ways of enjoying ourselves, and being together and having easier days.

birthday making plans

It is Ari's birthday in a little over a month. We are giving him a bike, but I want to make a few little things for him this year. I have in mind some of these lovely little felt food-things, maybe vegetables + fruit, and a few treats and special things. He loves playing kitchen (house) and cooking so much, that I know he will really enjoy these. I have to head into town soon, to buy some sewing supplies! And then find the moments of quiet to cut and stitch - the inspiration is definitely out there. If anyone has hints or tips to help me out, I'd love to hear from you.

I have been slowly going through all our things, mainly toys, and trying to rid ourselves of stuff. It accumulates too easily and quickly, and I know coming up to birthday and Christmas it will be added to by family members. This year I am going to ask for no plastic toys - possibly only one of those kids digital cameras, so he doesn't break ours but can show us his viewpoint of things a bit more.

Other ideas that having been sloshing about in my brain are what I'm going to make for the party bags. I'm not really keen on giving away a bag of lollies and plastic toys - just because that's what you should do. I'd like to make some banners/flags, and maybe a little bag or tote or maybe just a simple drawstring bag. These would also be cute, but totally out of my league at the moment (ability or time frame). Possibly some homemade playdough. And... hmmm. I'm not sure what else would/could go in, that I could make quantity of. I don't know how many kids we will invite, so not sure how many I'll need to make. Does anyone have any great party bag ideas to get me started??

Also, a bit of sewing for my niece and nephew planned for this week. My sewing machine has been sitting idly, patiently, waiting for this kitchen work to be closer to finished. And the hectic, sleepless, noisy days seem to be easing a little. Giving me more headspace, and - hopefully - more real space to get some work done. My mind is ticking over with plans of projects to start.

A very busy month ahead - if only I can produce what I have promised (myself) that I know I should be able to do. So, hopefully some photos of my work in a few days (....weeks).

21 + giraffes

Giraffes on the horizon. These metal structures /cranes look like a parade of giraffes.

I went to yoga today, after about five weeks of not going. A whole heap of reasons why I haven't been for so long :: me being a little teeny tiny bit lazy is not number one, but definitely up there! On the back of the toilet door I saw a little sign, once I'd sat down, that said ::

"21 ...... are you making or breaking. It only takes 21 days to make or break a habit. What are you doing?" (Or something like that anyway).

So, I got me thinking that I really want to commit to yoga. I used to be very good at my practice, and actually quite good at yoga :: it is one of those things that does need dedication and you can't fake it. Over the past possibly four years (since being pregnant and having kids basically), I've not had as much time, motivation, dedication as I would like. So now that I can drive myself there (did I not mention that I finally got my licence a fortnight ago. Yes, I'm 29 and on my provisional licence. But the real point is that now I can drive!), I'm hoping I can stick to being more dedicated to it. Let's see how I go over the next month.....

Onto more fun matters :: Yesterday we met Momo and her beautiful family at the markets. We had said hello to each other the week before, but not had time to stay and chat. So yesterday it was really lovely to sit down with Momo and her husband, and their sweet adorable little boy. So great to meet people and have things to talk about, and things in common. Our boys are so close in age, it would be wonderful for them to get to know each other, possibly become friends. I can only say that my kid didn't start off too well, with his rough ways! He did used to be so sweet and soft, and quiet - and often he still is, just lately he's sort of turned into a bit of a crazy, loud kid... hmmmm hope both sides of him find an equilibrium soon.

Momo was definitely the most stylish woman at the market, in her subtle way, with that lovely floppy hat and her great sense of fashion. Oliver, too, was so beautifully dressed - as he often seems to be by looking at his photos.

I do so want to try and see if we can become more friends than just acquaintances.

Kitchen rainbows. I'm really loving watching the sunlight move across our new stainless steel appliances, making rainbows and sparkles across the room.

Life has been so hectic as of late. The kitchen renovation continues. Sam has spent the last four days prepping and painting the walls. Unfortunately the red that we choose for our walls, when we were at the paint shop, isn't quite the same one that is now on our walls. It seems they mixed the colour a little bit wrong. And the ochre-ish reddish we had anticipated is now more vermilion. And then, of course, the trim colour doesn't match. We are waiting until the morning to see the trim dried, but I think they won't work together. And, also, totally detract from the amazing bench top...... So, that's bit disappointing. I'll call the paint shop in the morning, hoping they can at least give us some more trim colour - as I think maybe we can live with the red walls. Bright as they are!

Here's just a few pics of the kids from the past few weeks. Kids are changing all over again. Mish not crawling yet, but doing a lot of the practice movements of rocking on her hands and knees. Soon, soon, or maybe she'll just hop up and walk! She grows more beautiful each day, her smiles and laughs more clear, directed to you so lovely. She loves Ari so much, they have wonderful giggle sessions together. I can see that they will be such a cheeky team.

And Ari is getting to be more of an adult, grown up in his speech and language, his mannerisms, his way of interacting with the world. Quite a worldly boy, so sure of himself. He knows that he is so truly loved and adored.

Sparkling hair + shinning freshly made 'moon-melon juice'.

On the other hand - he is turning more cheeky all the time. A lot of "If I want to I can" - well, no you can't if I say you can't. (As in "I can have a biscuit now if I want to"). He gets quite over-excited sometimes, and goes into overdrive. Also, he has sometimes to say all the time - yes, all the time. This is really so wonderful, interesting, he observes so much and understands so much. A lot of things he sees and hears I never even notice. Sometimes the talking talking talking.... well, there's not a lot of silence around here mostly. Yet really, I wouldn't have it any other way, would I?

We discovered, last week, that Brisbane does in fact have a beach. Luckily is was high tide, and not the mud flats when we arrived. Watching the tide turn out, Ari was asking why was the the water draining out. We can't wait to get back here and have another lovely day.

the swing of things

Lately life has been very draining - physically. Emotionally, it has been rewarding, fulfilling, exciting. So, I suppose the see-saw scales is okay - as long as we keep a fairly steady balance somewhere.

I do, though, feel some nights, as if I have been drained of everything. I cannot drag myself to clean or wash or sew or think or write. I cannot sometimes drag myself even to bed. Yet, still I have energy from the love and laughs of the day. I mentioned to my mother-in-law today that Mishi doesn't sleep for longer than half an hour at a time, during the day :: she asked me how I do it. Hmmmm. I'm not actually sure how. But, you know cause you do it too. Just keep on doing it.

Well, I do it because of the simple and unexpected kisses that Ari gives me during the day. He just leans over and puckers up for a little kiss. His soft lips on mine - yes, sometimes his lips are stick and covered in food - but does that matter. Never, ever, ever. I love that he has that moment of love welling up inside him and just listens and lets it take over, and that he acts on it.

He used to ask us why we were smiling at him - when we said cause we loved him, he didn't quite understand in a way to actualise that love. Now he does. And even though he doesn't want to give Mishi kisses goodnight, I see the love he has for her numerous times throughout the day.

Both the little ones seem to be coming to phases of extreme change and growth. Mishi, now 7 months is not yet crawling, but is involving and entertaining and showing more and more of her own personality every day. Possibly she won't crawl, but seems to want to go straight to walking. And Ari, who will be 3 in only 6 or so weeks, gives us a new word every day, a new dance or phrase or look or ........ He discovers and observes and anticipates and understands.

Such a true pleasure for me to share my days with these little marvels. The love, tenderness, sweetness of my life because of those two beings.

Lately we have been going out almost every day. Did I mention that I finally have my licence? Well, yes, now I can drive where ever and whenever. So, we have been doing things and finding places and visiting and exploring.

Just a few photos of our days over the past few weeks.

I feel :: hope finally to catch up, feel more on top of things sometime soon. The kitchen is currently being painted, sanding only just been finished. Soon, we will get back into the swing of things (well, the swing of something anyway :: or the see-saw :: the slide :: the ........)

flamingo crash'

Check out our boys on this film clip, by a local Brisbane band. One day when we were at a festival (refugee day), we were asked if the boys wanted to be part of filming for the new clip for the band Flamingo Crash. We had never heard of the band (and the music wasn't quite what we normally listen to), but they seemed nice, young, local... plus - well any excuse to have fun and (try to) make our kids famous!!

Ari is the kid twirling round and round with the balloon, and then you can see Ash + Ari dancing (jumping) nearer to the end of the clip (timer 2.28). Ash with long pants and stripey t-shirt (timer at 2.22), Ari with shorts and long bluey shirt. There are also a few shots of Ash drawing - that curly snail is his!
So, a few moments of fame for our boys.

new blooms

Well, Spring is here already. The jasmine flowers are spilling over fences and filling the air with their intoxicating and heady aroma. These flowers always make me think of our wedding - we wore the blossoms in our hair, and wove them around the basket handles that our flower girl carried. That was more than three years ago now - so I really love the little triggers to my memory of seeing the pink buds burst open into those pungent fragile white blooms.

This little red soapstone canister was a gift from my loved one - Sam - for our anniversary. It has a lovely dragonfly on the other side. I like the space/home it's already found to live. Maybe only temporary at the moment, as our decorating flows and changes and evolves.

The lovely blond bench is our new kitchen bench. It's ply wood - first quality (I think. I wasn't there to do the shopping. My Dad + Sam did that, and got stuck for hours in a fire drill while at it!). Behind is the not yet painted old old wall - some very interesting views of that over here! The kitchen is very simple - exactly the way we want it. Yet, while simple, the attention to detail adds so many other facets of depth and warmth.

My Dad is a wonderful builder, a craftsman. He built our family home, where I grew up - and my Dad now lives on his own. I have so many memories of hearing the hammer bang, the saw cutting its teeth through second-hand, pre-loved timber. The house was always - still is - evolving. A constant in our growing up, of my Mum + Dad adding new rooms, buildings, extensions. Yet, always, always, in a simple way. Minimal walls, lots of windows and open doors to be outside as much as we were inside. This still is my home, my heart-home.

Our new kitchen, in my adult home, is still in process. Currently we are again at my in-laws' for a few days, while my Dad does the finishing bits. We have been living in the kitchen for the past week and a half - and I LOVE it so much. Not only because the previous one was so old, and dirty and.... hated. But because this one is so open, simple, big benches, lovely finishes. And because my Dad built it for us.

Both Sam + I knew that we didn't need to be really specific about exactly what we wanted. We talked with my Dad, yet knew that he would do what was the best thing. He has such an eye, a talent, a mind for creating beautiful pieces of art. His attention to detail is just perfect. We are lucky to have such a talented artistic craftsman.

At present I have no photos of the kitchen in building mode. When I am back at my own computer, and camera cables and such, then I will show the process of the kitchen building. And also, hopefully, hopefully - a finished product. Though of course we still haven't chosen a paint colour. We are waiting to see what hues the timber will turn out to be. The blond ply bench top is edged in a lovely red timber, the bench uprights (the whole frame) is a rich red, with the shelves the same ply. There are to be no cabinet doors, just open shelves - I hate opening and closing doors! And no overhead cupboards, only a few shelves up on the wall. Simple simple. Yet rich with love, thought, depth, memories. (Dad just told me to today that one of the pieces of wood he is using, was once used by my Mum, for her pottery work. We will need to paint it, but I so love love love the thought/memory of that piece under my oven having been something that my Mum layed her own pieces of work/art/ceramics on).

Our family will grow around and within this kitchen :: made by my Dad's hands + heart :: with pieces from my Mum :: I will remember this everyday when I cook, eat, live in this little room - on my own and with my family. Laughing, cooking, eating, drinking, talking, growing, learning, exploring.........

welcoming Spring with cousins

The heady, intoxicating perfume of jasmine flowers always reminds me of our wedding. Not just the day itself, but the preparation. And, of course, of Spring.

We picked these blooms while out playing with our lovely cousins (my sisters + their little ones). After a lovely treat at the bakery, we ran around the corner to a little swing set we know of, and spotted a whole fence billowing over with jasmine.

For the last few mornings when I walk into our (new, but not quite finished) kitchen, I've been met with the punjunt aroma of those little pink + white blooms. They don't last for a long time, and most of the buds don't open - once picked - but while they do last, they are enjoyed and loved.

We had jasmine for our wedding - in our hair, and wrapped around the handles of the basket our flower girl carried. We had picked the blossoms the day before, from a garden up the road from our house. Whenever we walk past the garden, and I see the tight pink buds forming and then bursting - I remember those days more than three years ago (28th August, 2004). Our main flowers we oriental lillies, with rose petals for sprinkling / throwing. But I loved having the jasmine in our flowing hair.

It's actually lovely for me to have these little personal memories of that day. It was such a magical, special, beautiful day.

This post was finally published 7th January, 2008. Maybe one day I will write more about our wedding day - for my children to have a momento (especially considering we still still haven't made our photo album!).

home again, home again, jiggity jig

We've been staying at Sam's parents' house for the past week. Well, actually - we've been back home now for three nights. But, anyway, lets not be too exact and pedantic.

My Dad is building us a new kitchen. So, so, so exciting and wonderful and lovely and... so overdue. I will post photos when it's finished. We're allowed back home now, as we have running water and gas back again. (After the plumber was two hours late on Friday, worked for half an hour, and had to come back Monday to actually do any work. And then, charge us more than $600 for the privilege).

Being away made me realise that I love my little home so much. As a house it's not really that much. No pretty Queenslander for us, no verandas or patios or great outdoor spaces to be in, no well maintained garden (just a muddy hilly patch of "stuff" with a bit of plant life, that goes through stages of being loved and then neglected). No separate lounge, dining, guest room, nursery, play room, art/craft/discovery room for us. Just a small two bedroom, (possibly -I'm making this up, with absolute assurity that I know this to be the truth) post-50's style boxy house. But, it's my home - and I've remembered that I really do love it.

I love whats in it. My things, and our things, and the feeling of being in. The peace, the tranquility (now I'm actually stretching the truth. As I live across the road from a train-line, next door to some very noisy people, and in a house with two small people - who can make more noise than the sum of their sizes). Our home is almost always messy, or at least a neat shambles, dusty, cluttered. But, our things mean something to me. Our things are us.

Sam and I have a particular "decorating style" that just evolves and happens. Often, from adding, adding, adding and occasionally removing, but more like putting somewhere else. All the dead/dying plant life and seedpods that Ari and I have been collecting over the past weeks are spilling from vases and scattered in plates and dishes on bookshelves and windowsills. Photos are tacked to walls or leaning on shelves. "Things" - of which we have MANY - are arranged and displayed.

And while I am so very grateful to my parents-in-law for being wonderful, generous grandparents and parents - I am so glad to be back home.

Being back home means sleeping in one's own bed. Even if that bed is shared with the three dear loves of my life. But, I so love listening to my babes sleeping. I love feeling their warm bodies and hearing their soft snores. Almost touching their dreams - though, I know, I know - never can I touch the dreams of a child. For childrens' dreams are magical in a way we forget and rarely regain in adulthood.

Reasons I love listening to them sleep:

not most importantly, but firstly, the fact that they are actually asleep and I have a small moments' peace and quiet;

they are so soft, quiet, innocent in ways different than during the day;

I can sometimes see the person who they may grow up to be. I (imagine that I) see the face of what in the world they might be (lyrics from something that I can't quite remember at the moment... hmmm? Joni Mitchell?);

the sweet, warm breath of a sleeping child;

..... many more reasons, that right now seem to be slipping away from forming into words.

One thing about sleeping children - babies need nappy changes and topping up with breastmilk, toddlers need wees and hugs to fend of bad dreams.

So, no photos or links tonight. Simply a few words. As my two little ones are good at playing tag - with me chasing them constantly. They play in their sleep as effortlessly as in the day :: Mishi milking, Ari waking bolt upright and wanting to be "out of the bed", then laying down fast asleep again.

Good night. Good to be home again.

PS - in case anyone was at all curious or slightly worried :: Bunny came home. The lovely bus driver lady sent him to lost property where he got an excellent little luggage tag and overnight stay in the city. Unfortunately he didn't have a bath while on holiday!

Lost, Stolen or Strayed

King John put up a notice,"LOST or STOLEN or STRAYED! JAMES JAMES MORRISON'S MOTHER SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN MISLAID. LAST SEEN WANDERING VAGUELY:QUITE OF HER OWN ACCORD, SHE TRIED TO GET DOWN TO THE END OF THE TOWN -FORTY SHILLINGS REWARD!" James James Morrison Morrison Weatherby George DuPree

Bunny is missing! Yesterday when we got off the bus in the pouring rain, somehow Bunny didn't come with us. I'm hoping and hoping that he's going to be in the lost property collection.

I haven't told Ari yet, though he has been asking and asking for Bunny. We just keep putting him off. I feel so anxious, my tummy turned into knots. This is my little boy's special friend. He sleeps with him, eats dinner together, plays hide-n-seek, keeps him company when Ari is tired or grumpy or sad.

When Bunny first came into our lives, when Ari was only a few months old, I wasn't too fussed either way on this funny little blanket with a bunny head stitched in the centre of it. But, Ari became attached and has carried Bunny everywhere with him since. The little creature has suckled ears and paws, his head fell off at one stage, his ears are threadbare, he's grey rather than white. But, he's loved, so so loved. And he really is a part of Ari's daily life.

Ari always talks about him not being real, but he includes him into the rituals that he's learning. Bunny learnt to toilet train, Bunny has breast milk (mine or Ari's, he's not fussy), he has day-time naps, eats veges + fruit, gets in trouble for doing cheeky things. Lately Ari has been blaming Bunny for a few things - using his little paws to do the dirty work.

I love Bunny. I love the way Ari loves him. I have fed, bathed, clothed this creature (yes, nappies on the blanket body are difficult - but we still tried).

I remember him being on the bus seat curled in Ari's hand. Ari asleep on the seat beside me, Mishi asleep in the sling. Raining raining. The bus driver carried Ari off the bus for me and put him the the pram. I don't remember seeing or not seeing Bunny in Ari's sleeping hand. I was too concerned with covering two sleepy creatures before the rain soaked us all. Isn't is sometimes so annoying (sometimes it is wonderful), the way you see things and just file them away somewhere in your brain. At the time you don't think too much about it, but later its clear and so important. You remember it perfectly - like you remember Bunny not coming off the bus!

Sam and his Dad went out at 9pm last night in the rain searching between the bus stop and the front door. Again this morning Sam rode his bike looking in the drains, curbs - did Bunny wash down the gushing gutters to the ocean.....

Lost, Stolen or Strayed..... Please come home Bunny.

If Bunny is actually lost, please tell me - help me - what will I do to console my little one? Does anyone have any ideas, hints, thoughts on what would be the best thing to do, the best way to break the news. Should I let him choose another baby to have, or make him another something (similar), or should we have a little farewell party (a funeral?) for Bunny. And say, well Ari's almost three and doesn't need a little friend. I don't think I want to do this, I always wanted to let him be ready to give up Bunny - and if he never did, then that is not an issue for me at all.