the act of letting go

I am not a perfectionist, by far - but somewhere inside of my mind, my ego, some part of my being, I have aims and aspirations for perfectionism. For some strange reason while I myself am far from perfect, I want and expect it from other people. And I feel myself edging in to tell them what they should be doing better, or telling myself that if only they did this or that, then whatever would be better. I am such an excellent critic - I think possibly that was my calling and I didn't listen. Yet, in myself I still want perfectionism in my daily life, in the things I produce and do.

On a morning walk while visiting my sister.

Though lately, these last weeks especially, I have been telling myself to let go more, for things to be able to evolve and not have to be forced in some way or other - or for my mind to have to re-record the story differently. I have allowed my friends to read stories to my children the way they read, not the way that I usually do - that particular line or word or paragraph doesn't have to be enunciated in the way that I do it, the emphasis can be different.

I am teaching myself more and more to let Ari do things his own way. Not to have to jump in and and tell him which picture to glue where, or that his painting should be finished now, before all the colours make too much of a grey muck all over the lovely lines.

And, mainly, importantly I am trying slowly to let myself enjoy the things I do, in a different way. What I mean by this, is that I am doing more and allowing things to be not quite right. Making bread is a hit-and-miss, sometimes it is delicious, sometimes it is not so good. Though still, I am encouraging myself to continue and enjoy (or accept) the not so tasty loaves.

Sewing too - well.... I am definitely not two straight lines, more like "a few wonky lines". I am learning, learning that I will only get better if I keep with it, have more energy and dedication (urgh.. don't I talk about that a bit too much!), and less criticism of the end product. Well, also a few tips from my lovely, exciting first foray into Amazon buying, and some great fabrics have helped a little (which I haven't photographed, but want to before I use it all up). The want to make the most of these has been uppermost in producing better quality.

Bag from my new favourite book. I added some extra pockets inside, so he can carry around his matchbox cars and other bits of stuff.

In writing too. I feel I haven't written here for so long because - well, I'm not actually sure I have a lot to say that is of much interest to anyone, or that it's well enough written for anyone to bother reading. I mean, there are so many wonderful blogs out there - in fact so many, that I'm not going to even link to any, as we all have our favourites. Such creative, intelligent, thought-provoking, warm-hearted (mainly) women. I don't really quite fit into the ideals of my expectations. Yet, still, I want to continue this blog thing. I always liked journalling at school - enjoyed the process of it, as well as the creativity. About this blog as well - it is proving to not be the best place for someone who like words to line up, and paragraphs to be square with the correct spaces, and images to sit just right. But, I'm being forced to let all that just be, as computer programing is not a fun topic for me.

Another area where I know practice will only make it better is photography. Though, actually, thinking about it - I have been doing this for quite a long time (since I was a kid, I think), and still I haven't really got a real style or technique. Some of my photos I think are really good, great, excellent, and some, well, are pretty mediocre. Yet, it is something that I enjoy doing. And, that's what this is all about - the enjoyment at one level, not just the end level.

So, I'm going to try to let things be a bit more. Not feel that I have to proof everything and think it too much. Some things can be wrong, or not quite acceptable. And, really, I say it and think it - that it is from "mistakes" that we learn and grow and change. So - mistakes here we come!

You'd actually have thought I'd really have learnt all this before, and I have, but it's just taking me a while to really put it into practice in my daily life. It's like not using the good linen, or wearing white because I don't want to get dirty. Or something.

Hmmmm, as Ari says (copying Sam) "Whateva".