more words?

I don't have more words today. 

There are more words from other days, other years, other memories, other..... lives. Some years I've written lots of words. That was good. At that moment. {this, this, this or this one if you feel like having a little sob about your own losses}.

But right now. On this overcast, rainy day (the sun is trying trying trying to peek out), with the birds around me as company. Not so many words. 

eight years. a long time. a blink of an eye.

I do think that being here, on this land. Her land. Is good. For me, right now. It's good. Of course, there's moments when really it's not good either. When the what ifs, the not fairs, the what abouts come bursting forth in my mind. Trying to make a different reality. Can't be done. This is the reality. 

Living here. On this land. Without her. With thoughts, and memories, and dreams, and wishes. But without her.

there is much loss in the world, today, as every day. there is grief, and heartwrenching pain, there is throbbing endurance, there is understanding and knowledge, there is mis-understanding. there are wishes, dreams, what ifs, perhapses. and there is knowing that this is just the way. on this day. this day of my days. 

i send my love to my dear ones, my family. my long big wide laughing crying crazy beautiful family. all of those of you who are my family. my close, my far, my near, my distant family. those i've had connections with.

i am thinking also of others who are feeling loss today. shared loss. personal loss. 

there are many of us who have a moment in our lives.life where something happens and we are forced onto that other existence. to become our parallel being. to not be ourselves anymore. to be the other person that we are. i am myself, but not myself.

in my mind and heart right now. dear friends who are facing.have faced moments of becoming a different person.woman.daughter.mother.father.son.lover.man my love to you today, for today, but also for the future, for the strength, the courage. i am naming you in my heart, my mind, my soul, my love.

"How can we compare sufferings?

Each person's suffering is the most important.

But what enables us to go on?

Only sound, which comes and goes

like water amongst the stones."

Goran Tunstrom 

(found in the book "The Mark of the Angel" by Nancy Huston)