Well, it's happened. I've passed that milestone - and fairly easily too. I'm thirty now. Friday just past was my birthday. I've wanted to write here lately, but internet speed is too slow for me to bother*.

So, yes, anyway. Now I'm 30! I was wondering if it really was something so scary or wonderful or different. Does being thirty mean that I have to be a real grown-up? If so, I'm not sure that I'm quite qualified for that role. I mean, yes, I have kids, a mortgage, a two-car family, and all the rest that makes me a grown up. I know that everyone feels like a kid or adolescent still - even those beautifully wise 'older' people.

In my mind I'm still 23 or 24. That's how old I was when Mum died. So, somehow I don't think of myself as thirty, or even twenty nine. And I don't dress or act the way I perceive 'real grown-ups' behave.

I kept thinking that it wasn't going to be a really big milestone for me. I mean, I've experienced the death of my Mother - which is the most extreme thing I feel or know or experience. And the birth of my two children - which, also, is the most extreme thing I feel or know or experience. So, I guess I was thinking that I had already grown up in more ways that I wanted to.

But, on the day before my birthday I receive some really beautiful letters and a present from two of my Aunts and a close family friend - all who have been Mothering roles and figures in my life at some time or other. All who I have deep ingrained memories of, and love from and towards. It made me stop and think more about this birthday. And, of course, made me saddened that my own Mother wouldn't be ringing me or sharing the day or stories with me. Yet, made me happy to know that there were people who thought (knew) that this was a special day to be celebrated and remembered.

This glorious drawing is the card Ashey gave us for our birthday**. It's me, Ari on the swing, Mishi on the slide, and Sam with the great spiky hair. And then Sam's car - Blackie - on the end (looking a little like an elephant).

And on my birthday I received flowers; from a dear friend who lives in London; from my sister and nephew - picked from vacant streetlots. And cards and phone calls and presents and...... and I felt so loved and thought-about.

So, I guess, really it was / is a special time for me. To stop and think about the woman I am becoming. Without my Mother here, but with other mothers and friends and family, and people who know me and care about me. Thank you to all those people.

And thanks to the friends and family who helped me celebrate with a lovely fireside party at my sister's house. Watching me jump on the trampoline with my children, and singing birthday songs together, and laughing and talking and remembering and creating new memories.

*We have some friends staying and between all of us, have passed our monthly upload limits - so internet has been speed capped.

**Did I mention that Sam and I share a birthday? He's four years older than me. We actually met a week before my 20th birthday, ten years ago. Makes remembering each other's birthdays easy!